When Workplace Friendships Are Built on Crisis

Why teaching friendships feel so intense and what trauma bonding actually means.

You're closer to your team than you are to some of your actual friends. You know whose marriage is falling apart, who's on antidepressants, who cried in the cupboard last Tuesday. You make dark jokes about things that aren't actually funny because if you don't laugh, you'll cry.

These relationships feel incredibly deep. Incredibly real. These are your people, right?

But here's something worth considering: this might not be typical professional friendship. This could be trauma bonding.

What Trauma Bonding Actually Means

We say it lightly in teaching, almost joking. "The staff room is held together by shared trauma."

And there's truth in it.

Trauma bonding happens when people go through intense, stressful experiences together and form attachments through that shared crisis. It creates strong connections, though they're not always the healthiest ones.

In teaching, you're often in crisis mode together. The workload is challenging. The behaviour can be difficult. The expectations feel unrealistic. And you're all trying to navigate it together.

So you bond. Quickly. Intensely. Because when things are tough, you need allies. You need people who understand.

What This Can Do Over Time

Living in this intensity year after year can shift your perception of what professional relationships typically look like.

You might start to think this level of emotional involvement is standard. That it's normal to know intimate details of colleagues' personal lives, to feel deeply responsible for each other's wellbeing, for work relationships to be this all-consuming.

But in most workplaces - ones that aren't constantly firefighting - professional relationships look different. People work together effectively without being emotionally enmeshed. They're friendly without needing to be friends. They support each other professionally while maintaining boundaries.

And when you've spent years in teaching, where boundaries can blur, the idea of having them might feel uncomfortable. Like you're being cold or not a team player.

What Relationships Can Look Like Outside Teaching

When you transition to a different workplace, you'll likely find:

Colleagues are friendly, but not necessarily your best friends. They'll chat over coffee or on Teams calls, but conversations stay lighter. They work together well without being crisis-bonded. They go home at 5pm and don't think about work until tomorrow.

This might feel strange initially. Maybe even a bit lonely.

You might want to recreate that teaching intensity. But what you're actually experiencing is healthy professional relationships. And you'll need time to adjust to how these work.

In functional workplaces, you don't need to be best friends with colleagues to collaborate effectively. You can like them, respect them, enjoy their company - all while keeping relationships professional.

This isn't cold. It's sustainable. It's what allows people to have long careers without burning out.

Why This Recognition Matters

If you're reading this thinking "yes, this describes my work relationships," that awareness is valuable.

Not because these relationships aren't important - they absolutely are. But because understanding the dynamic helps you make sense of your experience.

The intensity isn't a reflection of how much you care about teaching. It's a reflection of the working conditions. Healthier workplaces don't require staff to be crisis-bonded just to get through the day.

What Happens to These Relationships When You Leave

Some of your teaching relationships will continue beyond the classroom. The ones built on genuine friendship rather than shared crisis. The ones where you actually like each other as people.

Others won't. And that's okay - it's just recognising those relationships were situational. They served their purpose during a difficult time and helped you through it. That's valuable, even if the relationship shifts when circumstances change.

The colleague who understood exactly what you meant by "it was a Year 9 day" might not have much to discuss once you're not teaching Year 9. And that's perfectly normal.

You Deserve Relationships Built on More Than Crisis

You deserve to work somewhere that doesn't require crisis-bonding just to manage. You deserve professional relationships that are warm and supportive without consuming all your energy. You deserve to care about your work and like your colleagues while protecting your wellbeing.

You deserve to finish work at a reasonable time and switch off until tomorrow. You deserve friendships that exist beyond a professional context. You deserve relationships built on genuine compatibility, not just mutual survival.

What feels like deep friendship might actually be the intense bond of shared experience. Both are real and both matter. But recognising the difference helps you build something more sustainable.

Categories: : Psychology of Career Change